If only….

Ok, Ok.  By now the frequent readers of this site are tired of hearing about my stolen bike.  I get it.  Its been over a week, I have a new bike, time to move on pal, suck it up butter cup!  There’s real tragedy out there.

Yep I agree, so you will all be happy to know, that barring finding the bike, this will be the last post on the old bike.  Time to put it to bed.  So I’ve decided to have some fun with this.  My buddy Rob asked me a question that got me pondering.  “What will I do if I find the dirt bag that has my bike??”

Hmmm.  An excellent question.  A truly noble person would of course take the higher ground.  Possibly thinking that maybe the dirtbag needed the bike more than I.  Or maybe, things happen for a reason so I should search out the meaning of the losing the bike.


Yeah, that aint me.  I still wish that when the guy went flying out of the garage, a passing dumptruck would have taken him out clean.  People keep telling me “but that means your bike would be totaled as well!”  True, but either way I am without a bike, this way, he doesn’t get to use it.

But, this did NOT happen.  So, what would I do….

A few things that popped into my head:

  • I’d love to be able to get ahead of the guy, string a rope across the road, and pull it tight JUST as he rode by!  I’d get the satisfaction of seeing him fly off the bike, and then I’d get to grab it and go!
  • Or, using said rope, practicing my cowboy skills, roping the SOB, watching him fly off the bike, and then I’d get to grab it and go!
  • Or, seeing him ride by, bean him with a rock (cuz most dirtbags don’t wear helmets) again watching him fly off the bike, and then I’d get to grab it and go!
  • Or, the flying tackle as he rode by, getting to knock him off the bike and then I’d get to grab it and go!  (noticing a theme here?)
  • A high powered paint ball gun would be interesting.  I can guarantee I would knock him off clean! And then (say it with me now!)  then I’d get to grab it and go!
  • I have even considered running him off the road with the car, if I happened to be driving when I spotted him.  But that would reflect bad on me since I work for my car insurance company (though the thought makes me smile)
  • Or something as simple as a stick in the spokes as he rode by….

All of these make me smile!  Now I know, someone out there is thinking “Does someone realty deserve to be hurt just for stealing a bike?  Isn’t a person more important than an inanimate object?  I can see the argument here, but no one MADE this dirtbag steal my bike.  This was his idea!

But now, let’s get realistic, because sadly, except for maybe the open field tackle listed above, somehow I would get in trouble for following through with any of these plans… 

So, if I do see the dirtbag.  If at all possible I am following his butt to see where he is going.  Hopefully I am on the bike.  And if I pass a cop, I am flagging him or her down.  If not, I call them when I see where he is going.  And wait.  I am betting the chance of a dirtbag being able to out ride me is slim.  So even if he tries, I am on his butt. 

OR, I am doing the walk about, and see him park it and walk away from it….  This is the ultimate dream.  Because if it is somewhere I can grab it, then I ride it like I stole it!  No way dirtbag is going to catch me on foot!

Or, being able to grab cop and just point him out!  (but where is the fun in that??)

Any suggestions I’ve missed?

Alas, the chances of any of these happening is slim.  Shoot, the man could be in Kansas by now…  All I can hope for is the bike gods, or karma, takes care of him in the future.  But the getting even daydreams are always fun!

And now, we move forward!  Thanks for letting me rant!

2 thoughts on “If only….

  1. Once, when I was abut 10, my brother wanted to show me how fast he can ride his bike, so while he went around the block, I stuck a “V” shaped reinforcing rod (you know, the kind they use when they pour cement) into the manhole cover. He came around the corner and BAM, head over heel. I ran away scared, who knew he would actually run right over it?

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